Living at an 8

Every time you go in to the hospital or doctors when something is wrong they ask you on a scale of 1-10 please rate your pain. Most people on any given day say 2-3. For a good portion of my life the last 7 years I have lived at an 8.

Each of us goes through different things in our lives that cause us pain. Depending on what happens our pain scale increases or decreases and sometimes stays there. Each of our pain tolerances is different, each 8 is different for each person. I went through a traumatic experience about 7 years ago, and it is something that has caused my pain scale to be at an 8 for years.

I am a survivor of abuse.

I grew up in a family that loved and was simply the best you could hope for. I had parents that did everything to support each other and to show that they loved and cared for each other. They were always first in each other's lives, followed closely by the seven lucky children they brought into this world. As a child in this family I learned how to have a healthy marriage; one that puts the other person first. One where parents do everything in their ability to help their children be safe and become the best person they could be. I learned how to handle tough situations and to calmly talk things through. I was taught to treat people the way you want to be treated, and that everyone is important and matters. I learned that each person is a child of God and that He loves each of us no matter what we do or who we are. I say this because I want you to know and understand that I grew up in an amazing environment and that in a way I was sheltered to the pain people could cause.

I didn't understand what abuse was. But my junior year of college I ended up rooming with a girl that had a horrible background and the way she handled it was to take it out on her roommates. She was scary. I found myself at first telling people jokingly things like yeah my roommate is crazy...she threw glass vases at me the other day. Or she just won't stop yelling. I think I was just hoping they would say something like hey B that's not normal or you should do _____ to try and help. But most people laughed awkwardly because what do you say to someone who is abused and has no idea how to handle the situation? I was scared of somewhere that was suppose to be a safe place. A place where I could relax and feel comfortable, but that was taken from me.

After a while I finally got up the courage and I told my bishop, he is the one person I knew I could trust and that would have my best interest at heart.  After a visit from the bishop and his counselors I was told that they talked to her and things should be better. You see one problem with abuse is the abuser is really good at hiding their abusive tendencies and is able to make people think everything is okay. So any time the person receiving abuse is told it's better because of this, the fact is that things will only get worse. I learned after this experience that by me asking them to come it only made things worse. That's another problem with abusers, once you start telling people and they find out things get worse. And the next time someone came to help things got even worse. This is what they call the battered woman cycle, the person abused begins to fear for their life and tells someone only to find out that telling people only makes it worse. So when it comes down to things getting really bad they don't call or tell anyone. When things were getting really bad I went to my landlord to see if I could move somewhere else. Just switch apartments or something and that's when things became even worse. I was told by my landlord that I needed to call the police when things happened next and that I needed to start documenting things. But you see I could only imagine what would happen if I did that. What would be the retaliation if I actually brought police in?

This is how it works, you reach out and things get worse and suddenly you have no fight left in you. You start believing all the horrible things you are told. You believe no one cares about you and that you are worthless. You believe you are crazy and just making things worse and that you deserve whatever is happening to you. This is a lie!! It is not true but in that situation you become so helpless that you don't know what to believe. I eventually became so afraid for my life that I had to move out and just pay two rents. I was lucky to be taken in by an amazing adoptive aunt who could tell that I needed a safe place. Even though I was out of physical danger I had no idea the lasting effects I would face. I sank into a deep dark hole after leaving. I hadn't realized how much I had changed and that I wasn't the same person I was before. I struggled with depression so deep and dark that I thought the only way out was to die. I felt abandoned by my friends, family, and the God I grew up trusting. I remember someone telling me that I just needed to pray more and read my scriptures, and that only made me feel like I was the one who caused this. That by my actions I was creating this dark hole. When in fact it had been caused by someone else's actions, and I was in a place that would take more than prayer to pull me out.

It was in this deep dark hole that I realized what a true friend was. I realized what it was like to have someone drive 10 minutes because I needed a hug and was so on the edge of a tipping point. I learned that when people struggle they don't need someone to fix it, but instead someone to be there with you. I had a friend say hey B if you ever get to the point of jumping off a bridge call me and I'll go jump with you. To know that someone cared enough and was willing to be there for the darkest moments of my life taught me that we have to make people important. PEOPLE ARE WHAT MATTER!!!! It was these people that helped me realize I was not alone and that I mattered. After being told that I was worthless and that no one could ever love me having someone do these things meant the world to me. To this day these people are considered saviors to me. They saved me from doing things that I knew wouldn't solve any problems.

I knew I needed help, that I needed something more than just praying. I realized that in order to let prayer heal me I needed outside help from a therapist or Doctor. I needed to work through my problems before God could heal and help me over come it. That's the secret, we can't just expect God to heal us when he has given us the tools to help us become whole again. That's not how He works, He has given us people on the earth to help us overcome our troubles and that is nothing to be afraid or feel bad about. Life is meant to be enjoyed not just endured.

So seven years later, I still struggle with anxiety, and sometimes depression. It's tough to explain what it's like to struggle with anxiety everyday. It's tough to explain what it's like, the only way to explain it is that it's like living with stress everyday. Some days it's at a normal level and some days it's like the whole world is depending on you. It's crushing and it leads to panic attacks and scary dark holes. I am afraid of that dark hole and do my best to keep things at a reasonable level. My depression isn't what it use to be because I don't let myself go there. But I manage. I am a survivor. I am not a victim and yes I have triggers, but I am a survivor. Now when I get woken up by someone I don't wake up with fears of dying. Do I still have triggers that set me back? Yes! I'm sure for a while I will still need to work through things. I manage and I probably need to see a therapist to help with managing, but I am no longer a victim.

It was a scary part of my life, one that for the past 7 years only certain people would learn small things about it. There are still only a handful of people that know exactly what things were like and how deep and dark things got. But I felt like I needed to get it out, to help someone (if even only myself) to be free and to know I'm in control and you can be too. For a while I was embarrassed about what happened and that I could let something like that happen to me, but I realize it was not my choice and I AM STRONG! I saw being a victim of abuse as a weakness and something that made me less than who I was before this happened, but that is not true. It was tough and a part of my life that made me wonder if I would ever be whole again. I was afraid that when I told husband of my baggage that it would be too much for him to handle. I was afraid that I couldn't be loved because of what happened to me. But I was wrong! Yes I have way more baggage than I thought I would, and yes my anxiety and panic attacks are tough and something my husband had to see before we got married so he could know what he was getting himself into. But we both knew that baggage and what has happened to a person isn't the most important thing. It's who they are and who they have become that really matters. And yes I may have been living at an 8 but because I am strong that 8 has now become my 2-3. I am stronger because of my struggles and because of this horrible experience and I wouldn't change it now looking back.

So finally years later I am opening up. I felt like it was time to be open. After all hope and healing are not found in the dark abyss of secrecy, but in the light and love of Christ.  If you have gone through something like this and would like to talk or are in need of feeling like you are strong I am here. Know that you are strong. Know that you are not alone and that I am here. I survived and I am stronger than before. I am here if you would ever like to talk.

BS's crazy week

So BS has had a crazy week. They celebrated their first anniversary by heading to Santa Cruz. They stayed at a bed and breakfast for the first time...because B was in charge and REALLY wanted to try it. It smelled like old people....so S being the manly man he is opened the window to their bedroom to let some air in and clear the musty smell, out of the room. They then grabbed their bikes and headed out to check everything out. They road up the coast and saw the last remnants of a surfing competition that was going on. It was beautiful and so incredible. They were able to see a lighthouse and some amazing beaches. They also biked past a Lamborghini...B has never seen one in real life and was shocked that it was just parked on the side of the road!

BS biked out to the boardwalk where B began asking all sorts of questions about boardwalks that probably no one knows. S quickly realized that meant that B's blood sugar was low and she needed to eat. So they headed to a restaurant on the wharf. Then both had salmon with mashed potatoes. They then headed to the park and walked though all the rides. S then showed how strong he was when he took on the strong man hammer and won B a miniature hammer before heading back to the B&B. S had gotten over his cold, but B was sick now and was trying to kick a nasty cough and cold. Poor S had to share a queen bed with B coughing all night. They woke up the next morning to music playing and a delicious breakfast. They met some people in the surfing competition and they both swore that the guy was in some sort of a surfing documentary because they had seen him before.

They then headed out to the Monterrey aquarium where they were able to see some incredible fish, sharks, jellyfish, and one turtle. B was a little upset that the turtles weren't represented well, but all was forgotten once they found the HUGE tank with the Sharks. They saw some hammerhead sharks, which B learned was S's favorite as a kid. They spent a long time just watching and admiring how beautiful they were. They then made it to the jellyfish exhibit, and it was incredible!! They couldn't believe how many types of jelly's they had in one aquarium and how beautiful they all were. They mesmorized both B and S for quite some time. They both got to touch a stingray and couldn't believe how soft/binary they were.

Once they finished the aquarium they walked though the cannery, which is on the coast in Monterrey and known for being the place where sardines were canned for years. They then drove back to Santa Cruz and had a wonderful dinner, rode the Giant Dipper. Which is an old rolled coaster that is rickety but so much fun. They finished the night by getting a character painting of the two of them that turned out so cute!!!

The next day they grabbed sand for B's sand jar and then headed out so that S could unwind before heading to work the next day. It was the best weekend ever. They enjoyed spending time together and remembering one year ago when they said YES!!! B loves S so much and can't think how she is so lucky and how she tricked him into marring her! They can't beleive its been one year and can't wait for eternity!!!

Later that week was B's RTO (Reno Tahoe Odyssey) race. B was still sick but she perservred and enjoyed running three legs in 24 hours. As a team of 12 they ran 178 miles in 27 hours 16 minutes. They started out at 10:00am and ran until Saturday afternoon. B ran her first leg by stampede reservoir around 1:00pm. It was hot and there was no shade but she finished that 5.7 mile leg. It was a LOT more hilly than B was expecting but she felt confident having her longest leg done with.mshe then ran again at midnight and finished that 3.5 mile leg faster than she had expected. It wasn't as tough as she thought it would be running that late, it was probably the adreline that kept her going. Her van of 6 headed to the hotel in Carson City for 2 hours of sleep. She the. Had her last leg at 7:00am which was killer. She had a steep hill but finished strong. S was driving as fast as he could to catch B's last leg but B was just to Fast and Furious for S ;)! She finished right as S pulled up. But S stuck with her to finish the last runners leg up the rest of the way to Virginia City. It was a blast and B was dead but both B and S had never been so proud of B!! Now B can't wait for her marathon!! She feels like if she could do this run she can do anything!

B has been resting and recuperating from this run, but is excited to finish training for her marathon:)

BS's life might be busy but they are enjoying this time they get together and to accomplish all these bucket list items!!

BS lately

So lately in the BS house has been one full of adventure and joy. S recently got s new mountain bike... He keeps wanting to take B out on some crazy downhill mountain rides. B could only be convinced to do an "easy" bike path. So they headed to the west side of Reno and rode around one of the nature parks that also includes some nice bike paths (with plenty of rocks, jumps, sharp turns, and all those things B was so excited about! Insert sarcasm here...). Needless to say S loved his new bike and is excited for the next step up from that "easy" park. B is a little more cautious considering her ability to always become injured.

S has also been busy with the scout ages 14-15. They are planning a huge high adventure camp out for the end of July. They are heading to the Narrows in Utah for a whole week. B is a little jealous that S gets to go because she has been dying to go ever since she saw the first picture of them. She keeps telling S that they need a cook and that she would be so happy to go and cook for everyone as long as she got to hike for a bit.

They also had some super exciting news...S's brother Darren and his wife Kate had twins in April and they are both so cute. B is excited to be an aunt for the first time (besides marring into being an aunt) to these two beautiful girls Paige and Jane. Seems like mom, dad, and babies are doing well. BS just can't wait to get a chance to meet these two new additions to the family!!

BS headed up to Pocatello for Easter and was able to see S's sister Angie and her husband Scott. They had an absolute blast seeing their nieces S's mom and so much family. The highlight of the trip was going to Jackson Hole with everyone to meet up with Darren and Kate before the babies were born. It was so much fun to walk around and spend time with people they love so much.

B has been in full fledge training mode lately. If she's not running she editing photos on the new computer S bought her for her birthday and Mother's Day. She recently pull a muscle and had to pick up road biking to try and keep up with cardio needed to run the Reno Tahoe Oddessey and to make sure she is ready for her marathon in August. Of course she would sign up for a marathon right before she pulls a muscle. But because of this pulled muscle B has found out how much she LOVES you road biking. S had a road bike and B had been wearing S's shoes and biking. No worries B only fell down twice still clipped in.... It's actually a funny story... She was trying to cross from one bike path to another and in order to do that she had to cross the street on the crosswalk. So she pulled up to the poll to push the crosswalk button and then started to back up... When she stepped back on the right foot suddenly she remembered (as she was falling) that her right foot was still clipped into the bike and couldn't put her weight on that leg because it would cause the bike to tip over. So she landed nicely on that right side and then promptly got up and crossed the street. She kept riding fine and then   was coming back that same way when she decided at the same light to not push the button this time for fear of falling again. So she was on the street and decided to back up a little so the car could turn
right in front of her when suddenly she forgot again that that same right foot was still clipped in.... Needless to say this second time she landed with that same right hip/butt combo but instead on a nice curb. She's a trooper though she got up and kept biking. She got home and texted S to warn him about falling and how she had scratched the seat a little. S was so kind and was worried about B and didn't care about the bike. B is doing great though despite those two incidents. She climbed back on and kept going. She has LOVED biking and is thinking after her marathon she might do a triathlon. She might be a little crazy....S is wondering if she has some serious brain damage to continue to want to do bigger and crazier races. This is still to be undetermined ;)!

B went home to Colorado the end of May for her brothers high school graduation. She enjoyed stenciling with her mom, learning how to sew days of girls hygiene kits, seeing her pregnant sister, and her sister that's in dental hygiene school. She enjoyed catching hr brothers up on the Fast and Furious movies so they could go and see the 7th Fast and Furious movie, and she didn't cry (at least
not as bad as the first time around). She enjoyed spending time with her family and seeing everyone she doesn't get to see often.

S had a week full of car time:) he never gets enough when B is in town. He had fun goofing off and going to pick and pull. He also had his mom drive though and got to spend some quality time with her. S also got sick while B was gone and ended up having to take a sick day. S never gets sick so this was a huge shock to B and she felt horrible that S felt so bad while she was gone. But he survived and was smiling and not sick when B got home.

BS are getting ready for their first year anniversary! B is in charge and they are headed to Santa Cruz:)

The S in BS

I just wanted to express my feelings for the wonderful man that I get to spend eternity with. I have been lucky to have Steven there by my side through a lot. We have known each other for almost 6 years, and as I sit in my running clothes waiting for the wind to die down a bit so I don't get blown away I can't help but think of the great example he has been to me in helping me become who I want to be. 

Steven is so supportive!! He has given me the chance to figure out what I want to do with my life. So I quit my job where I felt under paid, over worked, and not happy and I've been able to focus on my hobbies. Steven has helped me realize that this time in my life is about me figuring about what I want to do. He has been so kind to let me have time to run and has been the biggest support in training for a marathon and the Reno/Tahoe Oddessey.

Steven is the most forgiving person I have ever met. He has taught me that it isn't worth losing sleep over things that you can just forgive and forget. I've learned from him that it is more important to put other people first. People are what matter and it is so selfless to give of your time to help others. He reminds me of the savior in his willingness to forgive and to help others. I am thankful that he has put me first in so many instances and helped me realize that this life is about helping others. 

He is so driven and has plans for our family. I love how he isn't afraid to dream big and go after those dreams. He has the ability to not only have high expectations for himself but also the ability to accomplish everything he puts his mind to. This is only one of the many reasons why I fell in love with him. 

He is an incredible best friend, coworker, husband, brother, and son. I love him so much for all he does for our small family. I love him for sacrificing so much for me and for what we want. I love him for giving up his time to go and work. He is so incedible and I find myself lucky to have him choose to marry me. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I am so thankful for his decision to marry a girl that is moody, bratty, selfish, needy, imperfect , and all those other emotions I bring to the table. I'm thankful for Steven and all he has given me!! 

I love you Steven Weston Myler!!!!

Christmas with BS

So I'm finishing all the thank you cards from the wedding and feel like I have been addressing envelopes for months. So instead of sending out Christmas cards we are blogging our Christmas card this year.  So here goes nothing!


Merry Christmas

The Mylers have had an incredible 2014. We have been enjoying this first Christmas together as we remember the Savior's birth and what the reason for this season is. 

Steven has been super busy with work the last couple of months with Tesla's new gigafactory coming to Nevada. He has been working really hard to make sure that they have all the machines that they need in order to build the mile long building. He also has been working on converting a mivec engine to one that will work in his Dodge Stealth. He has had fun figuring out all the things he needs to change without having anyone he knows that has ever done this before. 

Brittany has had a fun year starting with graduating from BYU this last April. She received her Bachelors degree in Exercise Science and is trying to figure out what to do with that now. She has decided to train for a marathon in 2015. Hopefully everything goes well and her knees can handle the training. She has learned that she loves to cook and bake. She loves spending the afternoon cooking dinner and trying new recipes. 

Both... well first off they got married!! It has been a blast being able to wake up next to their best friend every morning. They have enjoyed the last 7 months of being married. They also enjoyed a trip to Hawaii over Thanksgiving where they were able to snorkel, hike, swim, and drive the beautiful island of Kauai. Steven's favorite thing was taking a helicopter around the island and being able to see the whole island and the Na Pali Coast from the air. Brittany's favorite part was hiking the Na Pali Coast and swimming in a waterfall. The water was freezing cold but it was incredible being able to see the water coming off the green cliffs. It was worth the hike in and the freezing swim into the waterfall. They also spent a weekend in October in Pocatello/Rexburg visiting Steve's sister and his good friend Rustin and his wife Allison. They went throught the haunted mill, and to Brittany's joy they made it out alive. They loved spending time with family and friends. They also were able to go to Denver and spend a weekend with the Platt's and go to a Broncos game. It was the first for Steve and Brittany and they had a blast!

We hope everyone finds peace and joy during this Christmas season. And that we all can take sometime to remember the Savior's birth and all he did for each of us. We love you all and wish you a Merry Christmas !!

Together Forever

So we recently went to Hawaii for our "real" honeymoon. I call it real because Steven and I spent a week in Northern California right after we got married, but we really wanted to head to Hawaii. So we finally got to go. (I'll share some pictures and things later...but I want to talk about something else first.) I've been trying to find a way to express what I've been feeling and I think this is the best way.

We had just landed in San Francisco on our way out when my mom called to tell me that my grandfather had passed away. I think at first I was in shock, I couldn't believe that he was gone. I couldn't help but think off all my memories with him. We got into Hawaii late that same night and I was up early the next morning (partially because of jet lag). I headed out on the lanai to watch the sunrise and think through somethings. I couldn't help but remember heading to Hawaii with him and my grandmother as a child. I remembered heading to Pearl Harbor with him and learning about WWII. I remembered the summer I lived with him helping him to get ready for their move to Utah. He was more quiet than my grandma and so many of my memories before her death are ones that are quieter. I remember heading out to the garage one day and he was sitting there stripping the orange color from a nightstand that he had picked up. It was really pretty it had a flower carved into the front and had a beautiful wood under that orange. He was so patient and so kind to teach me and let me help out.

He was a kind man that was willing to help anyone that needed it. I loved my time I spent with him that summer and I loved being about to learn from him. He was an example of living what he believed. I knew that he had a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. He knew for himself that Christ lived and that he could be reunited with his wife after death. 

As I attended his funeral and stood around him with my family I couldn't help but think of eternal families. I know that he is with his parents and with his beautiful wife. I know that Steven and I can be together forever so long as we work towards it. I know that funerals aren't the end but a goodbye for a short time in this life. I know it was a hard thing, but I really loved having my husband there with me. When my grandma died I felt so lonely. I was serving a mission for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Fay Saints, and was only able to talk to my mom for 5 minutes. It was hard to not go to her funeral and be able to share the feelings of sadness I felt with someone. I'm thankful that we could make it back from Hawaii in time to make it there. 

I love you grandpa!! I hope grandma and you are having a blast up there together!! Till we see each other again!!

Welcome to BS!

So we decided to join the blog world. I've realized that I'm so great at sharing on social media (except Instagram...I love seeing everyone's pictures). So to update those we love I've decided to start writing what is going on in our lives.

Steven and I were talking the other day and we realized that on the Platt side of the family all couples are known by their initials. For example my older brother Trenton and his wife Julie are known as TJ. They are probably the ones that started it because it was just so much easier than saying Trent and Julie. Tiffany got married this last year as well to Trevor and so they are TnT. Well Steven and I realized that we were BS. May be offensive to some but to us we thought it was funny...so here I hope to write some of the daily happenings of BS in the Myler home. Can't wait to share our thoughts and lives with all of you!!